The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will be Glad That You Did)

The first thing to note about reading this Sunday Times Bestseller, is that it’s not just about parenting. It’s also about co-existing with other people and maintaining healthy functional relationships - by having a healthy, functional relationship with yourself. I do not have children, nor do I intend to start a family in the near future; and whilst I admit I did skim the particulars on small sections such as weaning, even these bits gave me food for thought about my own childhood. The fact is that we were all children, and we all (for the most part) had caregivers in one form or another, who played a part in who we have become. If you are reading it as a parent, it’s well worth having a pencil at the ready - there are some very good guides to practical scenarios too.

Whilst the warning “if we don’t look at how we were brought up and the legacy of that, it can come back to bite us” may feel a little extreme, if you’re interested in self-development then this book is an essential read. The fundamental message, from the very first page, is that we have to make the effort to understand ourselves in order to be understood. Ignorance of our own emotions and their root causes is so common, especially in a climate so adept at distracting us. Whilst western culture has taken a ‘mindfulness’ turn in recent years, it’s not quite as simple as buying an adult colouring book. Being truly invested in becoming better at relationships, parenting, having parents, being a solid friend and partner, pretty much comes down to how much you are willing to invest in learning, or re-learning about yourself. It’s also about being kind, and forgiving.

Philippa Perry has been practising psychotherapy for twenty plus years, and draws upon both case studies and personal experience throughout her guide to better parenting; whilst stating clearly that this is not a ‘hack-your-children-into-good-behaviour’ manual. She encourages long-term approaches, patience and the realisation that children are people to be loved (with boundaries) in nurturing relationships, that will be repaid in kind if you invest from the beginning. The book is an engrossing read, and includes small exercises which she warns “may upset you, make you angry, or even make you a better parent.” Readers are invited to take a closer look at their own triggers, take a reflective moment and try to better understand their own reactions.

“Children do what we do, rather than what we say. So, if you are in the habit of beating yourself up in your head, your child is liable to adopt the same potentially damaging behaviour.”

The section entitled Feelings should have a place in general curriculum for both children and adults. Being able to contain other peoples feelings, and resisting the urge to distract, ignore or become hysterical alongside them is so important to healthy and grounded relationships. As an empath, I so often find myself feeling with and for others - containment is hard, and it requires practice. To hold someone in their feelings can feel unnatural or uncomfortable, and resisting the urge to ‘fix’ the problem first and foremost is challenging. Perry has a wonderful ability to write in such a way that is easily understandable, and not affronting - even if the content has you reflecting negatively on your past behaviour.

“When we feel bad, we don’t need to be fixed. We want to be felt with rather than dealt with. We want someone else to understand how we feel so we do not feel lonely with that feeling.”

This book is full of little nuggets of warmth and wisdom, with the ultimate message being that it is never too late to start trying to repair relationships, as long as you are willing to be open and honest with yourself. She writes early on “what children need is for us to be real and authentic, not perfect.” By the end of this read, I felt that the most important message is that we owe it to ourselves to be real and authentic, and definitely not perfect. Recommended for a gentle introduction to psychotherapy, parenting and self-development.